I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
