When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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