I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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