my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
