Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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