It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
