In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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