I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
