I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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