Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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