hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
