i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
