Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
