i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
