I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
