I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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