I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
They took my balls.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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