I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
