No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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