Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
