Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
