I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
