I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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