Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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