I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
