Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
