Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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