after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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