i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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