I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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