I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
