all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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