meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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