I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
