i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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