I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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