i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
