When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
