Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
