I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
