if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
