Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
