Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
