How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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