I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
