Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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