last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
