On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Floor bacon is actually really good
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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