i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
