Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
